Home - betterman-staging

The use of alcohol, drugs, gambling, or other compulsive behaviours are extremely common for people experiencing distress of all kinds. These behaviours can be both a way of coping with distress, as well as an underlying factor in causing distress. Many men who struggle to manage conflict and/or use violent or abusive behaviours may also use alcohol, drugs, or gambling in a compulsive manner. 
There is significant evidence to suggest that when men are able to deal with these compulsive behaviours it puts them in a position to better deal with relationship issues and move towards the kind of partner they want to be.
You may find it useful to contact <a href="https://www.turningpoint.org.au/treatment/clients" target="_blank" rel="noopener">helplines or expert alcohol and drug services</a>. These include:
<ul>
<li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="1"><a href="https://www.directline.org.au/" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Directline</a></li>
<li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="1"><a href="https://www.counsellingonline.org.au/" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Counselling online</a></li>
<li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="1"><a href="https://www.directline.org.au/ready-2-change" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Ready2Change</a></li>
<li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="1"><a href="https://smartrecoveryaustralia.com.au/" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Smart Recovery</a></li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="1">Services like <a href="https://aa.org.au/" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Alcoholics Anonymous</a> (AA), <a href="https://www.na.org.au/multi/" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Narcotics Anonymous</a> (NA), and some treatment programs help people stop using drugs or alcohol. </li>
<li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="1"><a href="https://www.directline.org.au/aod-pathways" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Other services</a> support people to use drugs and alcohol more safely. These are called harm reduction services. Even small changes can reduce harm.</li>
</ul>
What works for one person, may not work for another. Think about what is right for you.

Making a decision to change when gambling has become a part of who you are, how you think and what you do can be difficult but not impossible! There is great <a href="https://www.gamblinghelponline.org.au/understanding-gambling" target="_blank" rel="noopener">help online</a> for your to understand your journey to stopping gambling and for people around you to help. Help is available 24 hours.

Good mental health is not just about the absence of symptoms or a diagnosis, but about an ability to manage with the challenges that life throws at you from time to time. Things that you could do that might improve your mental health include:
<ul>
<li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="1">exercising regularly</li>
<li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="1">getting enough sleep</li>
<li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="1">connecting with friends</li>
<li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="1">doing things you enjoy (e.g. reading, listening to quiet music, or walking in nature).</li>
</ul>

<ul>
<li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="1">There are many <a href="https://www.healthdirect.gov.au/mental-health-resources-for-me" target="_blank" rel="noopener">resources available online</a> that might assist you with your mental health.</li>
<li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="1">Online <a href="https://www.headtohealth.gov.au/" target="_blank" rel="noopener">m-health</a> apps might also be useful. </li>
</ul>

Many people find that having a trusted friend or family member to speak to about how things are going in your life to be extremely helpful. Friendship and support are important for your well-being.

<ul>
<li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="1">If you are feeling stressed and anxious, there are a few things you can try that might help. Classes in yoga or meditation can be very good ways to relax and take your mind off worries and stresses. </li>
<li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="1">Physical exercise is another very good way to relieve stress. </li>
</ul>
Sometimes, feelings of stress, anxiety, and depression can persist. In these cases it can be very helpful to speak with a therapist or counsellor about your feelings. Many workplaces provide free services to employees to deal with personal issues. You also have access to up to 10 sessions with psychologists rebated through <a href="https://www.servicesaustralia.gov.au/mental-health-care-and-medicare?context=60092" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Medicare</a>. You will need a referral from your GP to be eligible for this.

General Practitioners (GPs) may be able to pick up signs and symptoms of any health problems related to stress e.g. depression, insomnia, anger, fatigue, and pain.  They may ask you about what is going on at home. You may decide to tell your GP or healthcare professional about your relationship issues. As a health care professional, they must keep this information confidential (except in cases where it is assessed that you may hurt yourself or someone else). Many GPs have had training to support people who experience individual and relationship distress. GPs can help by:
<ul>
<li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="1">listening and keeping a record of your health </li>
<li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="1">providing you with short-term strategies to help you wind-down and treat mental health issues</li>
<li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="1">helping you find <a href="https://www.healthdirect.gov.au/mental-health-resources-for-me" target="_blank" rel="noopener">mental health resources and services</a> in your community.</li>
</ul>
<a href="https://www.servicesaustralia.gov.au/mental-health-care-and-medicare?context=60092" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Mental health care plans</a> funded through Medicare can subsidise funding for seeing a psychologist or other mental health care professional for 10 sessions.

Managing <a href="https://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/health/conditionsandtreatments/pain-and-pain-management-adults" target="_blank" rel="noopener">physical pain</a> can be challenging. Staying active, reducing stress through relaxation and medication, taking regular pain relief, heat or cold treatments and seeing pain specialists can all help.  Checking in with a health professional on a regular basis and keeping a diary of your symptoms for you to reflect on what makes your pain better or worse can also help you to self-manage.

You are not alone- please seek help. Many people have had thoughts about hurting themselves. Help is available. You can contact <a href="https://www.lifeline.org.au/" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Lifeline</a> or ring on 13 11 14 or the <a href="https://www.suicidecallbackservice.org.au/" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Suicide Callback Service</a> on 1300 659 467.

Many people find meaning and strength in their spiritual beliefs. If you belong to a faith community (church, temple, mosque, synagogue etc), consider talking with someone there you trust. Support may come in the form of:
<ul>
<li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="1">listening, talking and providing support</li>
<li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="1">helping you find local services</li>
<li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="1">giving you a ride or letting you use a phone</li>
<li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="1">helping you get basics like food, clothing or shelter.  </li>
</ul>

<ul>
<li>Talking to someone you trust about issues with your behaviour in relationships can assist you to make plans to change.</li>
<li><a href="https://ntv.org.au/get-help/" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Men&#8217;s Referral Service</a> and <a href="https://mensline.org.au/phone-and-online-counselling/" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Mensline Australia</a> are confidential telephone services that can help you reflect on your behaviours and access longer-term supports.</li>
<li>These services may refer you to local individual, couples, or group counselling, depending on the situation.</li>
</ul>

<ul>
<li>Many people find that having a trusted friend or family member to speak to about your behaviour in relationships might be helpful. Friendship and support are important for your well-being, which has an effect on the way you feel about your partner, and your behaviour towards them.</li>
<li>Try to connect with those who are most open and helpful. For example, think of who will be most understanding, and who will speak to you with an open mind. Choose someone who will keep what you say confidential.</li>
</ul>

<ul>
<li><a href="https://relationships.org.au/" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Relationships Australia</a> and <a href="https://www.lifeline.org.au/" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Lifeline</a> have general advice about relationships and how to improve them. </li>
<li>Reaching out to your GP or a psychologist who has had training on dealing with unhealthy behaviours in relationships might be the first step towards being referred for further specialist help.</li>
</ul>

Our job as parents is to equip our children with the skills and knowledge to flourish and make positive contributions to the world. This is much easier said than done and there is <a href="https://raisingchildren.net.au/" target="_blank" rel="noopener">help online</a> for any issues you may be having.  
Children often behave poorly, but just as you have found there are reasons for the bad choices you sometimes make, this is also true of your children. When your child has a tantrum, this is not random, a child’s behaviour is always about communication. Whether these behaviours are about communicating being overwhelmed, a desire to get your attention, or an attempt to test boundaries, there is always a reason for a child’s behaviour. As a parent, there are positive and negative ways to respond. 
Positive <a href="https://www.triplep-parenting.net.au/vic-uken/triple-p/" target="_blank" rel="noopener">parenting principles</a>:
<ul>
<li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="1">Understand where the behaviour is coming from</li>
<li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="1">Be consistent</li>
<li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="1">Focus on what you can control</li>
<li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="1">Discipline don’t punish</li>
<li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="1">Be solutions focused</li>
</ul>

Even after separation it is extremely important to maintain a positive co-parenting relationship with your children’s other parent. Depending on the circumstances, contact with your child/ren’s other parent can be by phone, text messaging, the internet, or meeting in person. These decisions can be made when drawing up a parenting plan (see <a href="https://www.familyrelationships.gov.au/parenting/children-family-law" target="_blank" rel="noopener">making decisions about custody</a>) or, in some cases, by a Family Court judge.
It is essential that you attempt to engage with your child/ren’s other parent in good faith and assure them that your motivations lie in supporting your children to live healthy, happy lives. It is likely that you will not agree with all the choices that your co-parent makes, and in some cases, you may need a third party, such as a mediator or counsellor to support coming to an agreement on co-parenting.
If you have behaved in ways in the past that have harmed and/or broken the trust of your co-parent or child/ren, building trust again can take some time. At times it may not feel fair the way your co-parent or even child/ren engage with you. Getting trust back can be very challenging and comes through demonstrating your trustworthiness over an extended period of time.

Parental conflict can be distressing to children. If children have directly witnessed yelling, belittling, property damage, or physical violence, the effects on children can be even greater. Consequently, your children may feel on edge around you, or may not wish to see you. This can be extremely painful for fathers, but it is important to give your children space and time and to demonstrate to them and their other parent that you are safe to be around.
If you separate or divorce from your partner, it will not be easy for your child to understand and adjust. Depending on the age of your child, there are <a href="https://raisingchildren.net.au/for-professionals/mental-health-resources/parent-mental-health-and-wellbeing/separation-and-divorce" target="_blank" rel="noopener">online resources</a> that can guide your child through <a href="https://www.familyrelationships.gov.au/separation" target="_blank" rel="noopener">separation</a> and divorce. They explain in a way that your child will understand. You can go to the <a href="http://www.familycourt.gov.au" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Family Law Court</a> website to learn more about custody and access or parenting arrangements. You may like to attend <a href="http://www.familyrelationships.gov.au" target="_blank" rel="noopener">free information courses</a> or sessions that teach parenting after separation.
You can also access<a href="https://parentline.com.au/" target="_blank" rel="noopener"> Parentline</a> who will provide you with advice on how to make things as easy on your children as possible.

If you separate from your partner, you will need to make decisions about how you both will care for any children you have together. You need a written parenting plan that outlines how you will share responsibilities and time with the child/ren. If you and your partner agree on how you are going to parent your child/ren, you can draw up a written agreement called a ‘parenting plan’ without the assistance of a lawyer. However, if your partner does not follow the agreement the court cannot enforce it. 
If you and your partner do not agree, or if you prefer to have an agreement that can be enforced, you can apply to the <a href="http://www.familycourt.gov.au">Family Law Court</a> for a parenting order. Normally, you must make a genuine effort to resolve the matter through mediation and obtain a certificate before you can apply for a parenting order. In cases of domestic violence, there are exceptions to mediation. After all, If one party is afraid of another, it is not possible to come together as equals to make decisions.

Your Action Plan

What areas would you like to focus on?

Get help for your behaviour in relationships

Improving your mental health and wellbeing

Seek help for use of drugs, alcohol, or gambling

Improve things with your children